This week I came across this awesome post that seems a very fitting end to the WHO, WHAT, WHEN, WHERE, HOW and WHY of saving sex for marriage series on this blog.
I have to admit I was intrigued by the title then literally thrilled when I saw that a guy wrote the post. In a world that still falls for the damaging double standard that declares men should be sexually experienced, it’s totally awesome and cool and soooo refreshing to hear such honest heart-felt words of wisdom from a young man.
By the time I read to the end, I was barely able to contain myself my exuberance.
Brett Shoemaker, you’ve got the right idea.
Why I Won’t Have Sex With You
I’m not perfect and I don’t claim to be. I’m not innocent and I don’t try to act like it. I’m not pure but I am fighting for it. There are a few things in this world that I am passionate about: Jesus, chocolate chip cookies, and waiting on sex. So whether you’re my long-time girlfriend or someone I met downtown last night, this is why I won’t have sex with you.
Waiting on sex shows the value I have for my future spouse
When I work to limit who I have had sexual interactions with, it shows that I have been thinking about my wife before she was my wife. Sex is one of the only things that show up in a marriage that I have control of now, and waiting shows I have been fighting for my wife before I ever met her.
Waiting on sex keeps it special
I have quite a few friends who struggle finding intimacy with their lovers because of their long sexual history. Each time we have sex, not only is there the physical bond, but it creates an emotional and spiritual bond as well.
Don’t get me wrong, sex will always be special and when done the right way, sex will always be good. But there is a difference when I have shared an experience with 50 people and when I have shared an experience with one. I am fighting to limit my sexual encounters as much as I can until the day I say “I do,” because it is going to make sex with my spouse that much more special.
Sex creates a deep connection
Obviously, there is the shared physical pleasure that comes with sex which creates a bond in and of itself. However, as I said earlier, there is a deep emotional connection that occurs as well. Every time a couple has sex, a chemical called oxytocin, often called “the love hormone,” is released in the brain which is shown to increase trust, bonding, and romantic intimacy. When I commit myself to that kind of connection when there is a chance that it may not last, I am putting my heart in a vulnerable position. Now I recognize that getting married doesn’t eliminate the possibility of splitting up, but you are a lot more likely to end a relationship than you are to get divorced within a marriage.
The “wait” helps me understand the “why”
Waiting on sex teaches me to understand why I love you other than just because “it feels good.” When sex isn’t going on, it allows me to focus on your personality, intellect, and character rather than how good or bad our time in the sheets was.
The value of the battle is found in your willingness to wait. If I can control my sexual appetite before marriage, I will be able to control it after marriage. I know I am part of the “microwave generation,” I tend to want things and want them right now. But I am holding out now to learn how to curb my sexual appetite for the future.
I’m sorry I had to write this. Unfortunately, I am bizarre for wanting to wait on sex. Our generation is less surprised by someone who has sex on the first date than they are by someone who chooses to wait until they are married.
If you do end up being dissatisfied with my willingness to wait, that is okay because it helps me understand what you’re looking for in relationship, which is something I’m not interested in. Just because I am not having sex with you doesn’t mean I don’t love you, I just have other ways of showing affection for you than just taking you clothes off. Just remember,
sex is suppose to be the icing on the cake, not the foundation on which everything else is built.
I understand you may not be like me nor am I asking you to be. You can do with your life whatever your heart leads you to do. I hope this gave you an understanding of some of the reasons people choose to wait. I hope now you can understand why I won’t have sex with you.
I understand, Brett. I couldn’t agree more. Thank you for boldly sharing your views.
So… what’s ahead? Many more chats about the realities of saving sex for marriage and reclaiming/recommitting to abstinence.
I’d love to hear from you! Comment OR drop me a line at email@example.com about topics you’d like to see discussed on this blog.