… if she’ll like sex after we get married?”
I appreciate the honesty in this question sent to me recently by a young man. I assured him he’s not the only person questioning this–a lot of guys and girls alike have the same concern.
It’s natural to be curious and wonder what sex will be like. Almost everyone does. And it’s totally normal.
But the problem is society has so messed with what sex was created to be. Too often it doesn’t even resemble the act of love and commitment GOD created to bond a husband and wife. Somehow it’s become more about getting than giving. More about satisfying oneself than seeking to mutually give pleasure to another.
So, people rationalize premarital sex with the “test drive” theory. An analogy I hate, by the way. It goes like this. Who would buy a CAR without first test driving it? Almost no one. And that logic makes total sense when you’re buying a CAR.
But it makes no sense when it comes to SEX. Because buying a car and having sex aren’t even remotely similar.
Still, the “test drive” analogy has weaseled it’s way into the thought processes about sex and is now considered an acceptable rationalization for premarital sex. It’s the whole “we HAVE to do it, otherwise how will we know we’re compatible/like the same things/getting what we expect?” argument.
No, honest young man and all the rest of you: you do NOT have to “do it” to know if you’ll like sex after the wedding. Curiosity and mild concern are normal. But If the major relationship issue becomes “what if the sex isn’t good?” then something’s not right with that relationship. It’s certainly not ready for the life-long commitment of marriage.
Paul Masek, coordinator for the REAP team explains it so well…
“…although sex is an important part of a healthy marriage, there are many things far more important, including spirituality, communication, shared values & interests, enjoying your spouse’s company, and the ability to laugh and have fun together. These are the kinds of compatibility that should be tested during the dating phase of a relationship. If you have these essential components of a healthy marriage in place before the wedding day, you won’t have to worry about sexual compatibility – it will naturally flow from all of these other components of a good marriage. And, having all of the other essentials in place actually helps in the bedroom, where they are all necessary…”
Yes, yes and yes.
If you marry the person with whom, over time, you’ve developed a deep, personal, committed relationship, if you love this person with every fiber of your being, if you’re in love with and physically attracted to this person, then any issues that may arise when you make love can be resolved.
The first time is often not the fireworks producing encounters you read about in romance novels. Sometimes sex takes practice to be really awesome for both partners.
If a married couple’s first time is less than incredible, it’s not the end of the world. They’ve committed their lives to each other, they’re together for more than sex. There’s already a promise of tomorrow… a whole lot of tomorrows, in fact. And chances are very, very good that the next day things will go better. But if not, it’s pretty easy to get a little instruction; easy, worthwhile, and yes, even normal.
But for the sake of argument, let’s consider the”test drive” theory for just a minute.
To be sure the sex will be awesome, do it once–maybe a couple times, just to make sure both parties are happy. Because in case it doesn’t work out, at least you found out before you said “I do”.
If the sex is great for both, push ahead toward marriage. But if it’s not, then what? Would you really walk away because of less than ideal sex?
Uh… no pressure there.
Does anyone else see what’s wrong with this picture???
I’m hoping there’s a sea of hands raised, waving firmly to say, “Yes, I get it!”
At some point this whole saving sex for marriage or renewed abstinence business may get a lot harder than you ever thought it would. And suddenly the “test drive” theory makes a little more sense. Don’t be swayed. Don’t buy the lie that a “test drive” is crucial, necessary, important or even a good idea. Instead of deepening your physical connection, focus on the depth of communication and companionship in your relationship because those will pay off in the bedroom after the “I do’s”.
Keep the questions, thoughts, concerns coming! I love hearing from you. Share in a comment or send me an email: firstname.lastname@example.org
[…] But if we wait, how will I know… […]
I loved this article. I have been waiting and being celibate for 15 years, since I gave my life to the Lord. I found you today through Modesty is Hot. I have dated very little and had my heartbroken a couple of times. I’m amazed how often I’m asked this question by everyone, including professing Christians. It’s nice to find like minded people. It strengthens me and gives me hope to keep going and waiting on God to bring someone with the right foundation in my life. I too want to have sex, but I want so much more than that emptiness I felt having sex with people in the past. I want all the things your article mentioned, and you can’t get that focusing on sex. You are spot on with this article!
Our society just doesn’t get it when it comes to sex! But it’s really sad when Christians don’t get it. 😦 I’m so happy you’re committed to renewed abstinence. You said it so well — “focusing on sex” will not result in positive, long-term happiness. Cheering you on! 🙂
[…] the “test drive” theory is quite popular, that’s not how it’s supposed to work. (Check out “But if we wait, how will I know…” […]